The last few days have already felt like a rollercoaster of emotions and I haven't even started the IVF process yet!
Anxiety and apprehension
I found it hard to sleep the night before last with so many thoughts racing through my mind. How am I going to cope with it all this time around? How will I juggle IVF with my life and job?
I have also been feeling stressed about the intralipid infusions which I am meant to get every two weeks at the immune doctor's practice. It's quite far away and awkward to get to so I would have to take at least a half day off work for each appointment.
December is going to be a busy month, busier than I had realised. This year we have loads of people to get Christmas and birthday gifts for and to be honest I always find present buying stressful! Trying to figure out what to get someone that they don't already have and that they would like and then trying to locate it or hoping it will arrive in time if you order it online.
Once I start the IVF process I'll be more tired than usual and especially lately with the weather so cold and dark I'm not going to be feeling very much like wandering around the busy shops. I'm hoping to buy a lot of stuff online. It still doesn't solve the problem of figuring out what to get people though!
Not to mention all my worries about how IVF will go this time. Will my body respond better to a different protocol? Will I get more eggs at the retrieval or end up with empty follicles again? How many embryos will we end up with? Is it possible we might have some extras to freeze? Will
I get pregnant and please God get to keep the baby this time? Or babies, since in theory we could end up with twins!
Well of course there is always hope, it's what keeps me going through infertility treatments. The dream of having our child or children one day. The idea that we could have a baby by next Christmas. Wouldn't that be wonderful! We already have a room in our house that would be perfect.
Realism, bringing myself down to earth
I try to remind myself that IVF generally has higher chances of not working than it does of being successful. For whatever reason it could very well not happen this time and we need to be aware of that and ideally not get our hopes up too much. That is really hard for me though, as the only way I can get through the IVF process.- injections, side effects, etc is the hope
that it might lead us to our baby. So I don't know whether I will be able to keep calm going through it.
The GerMann and I have already spoken about what we would do if it doesn't work. Take some time off from it all, plan a holiday and then if we feel up to it go to another clinic for a second opinion. If they think they can help us and say that a fourth round has a good chance of working we would consider it, but only if I feel like I can physically and emotionally go through it all again. It is quite possible that we might both decide that we have had enough with IVF at that stage. And if that happens I've reminded myself it would not be the end of the world. Our lives would not be how we imagined but we could still find a way to be happy..
Optimism and positivity
I've actually been feeling really positive yesterday and today. I had an appointment with my local gynecologist. He hadn't received my emails for some reason but when I told him about the immune treatment that has been recommended for me, he knew all about intralipid infusions and has even supported other patients with them. So the good news is that I'll be able to get the them done at his practice. He'll charge me for it (50€ each time) of course but it means I won't need to miss as much work. So that was a relief. I'll go there tomorrow for my second intralipid infusion.
And then the other thing is that I decided to tell work that I would be going through infertility treatments and explain that I will need to go to a lot of doctor's appointments over the next while. I had been feeling quite nervous about telling them, especially as I am quite a private person about stuff like that but it could not have gone better! Both the HR and my direct manager were really supportive. It won't be a problem at all if I have to come to the office late after attending the various appointments and the HR manager even told me not to worry about work, that I just need to focus on this which is more important! My manager told me he had already suspected but didn't want to ask. He's had lots of friends who've had infertility issues.
It felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders to get that sort of support since I had been feeling anxious about how to juggle IVF plus the added immune treatments with my job.
So lots of mixed emotions overall but at the moment I am feeling fairly optimistic and ready to face IVF round three.